I’m processing the sudden end of life of a friend.
It’s the day before Turkey Day and two days before Black Friday and a slew of sales/marketing events and I am not here to sell you anything. If you’d like updates on what I’ll be offering for stocking stuffers and Hanukkah gifts and Christmas presents etc etc etc you can sign up for my marketing emails on mooreaseal.com. But here, I need to share a poem and contemplations.
TRIGGER WARNING: suicide
I’ve known many who have grappled with being alive. I know personally what it’s like to not want to remain on earth but never attempted because of how successful suicides have impacted my family for generations. I’m grateful for how art has been my lifeline at every age. Most significantly, writing a song at 18 pulled me out from my lowest pit and pushes me still to stay. You can find a recording of me at 19 singing it here (It’s the only song I’ve ever published on Spotify.)
Suicidal ideation is a big part of my family history. At least 4 generations of people who carry heavy minds, hearts and souls, and one great grandfather who ended his own life because of his internal battles. I wonder, because of my own Autism diagnosis at 34, and being a femme presenting queer person raised within repressive Christian culture, that maybe more in my family struggled with being alive because they too hand brains, souls and bodies that weren’t supported by a system set up to only support rich white cis neuro typical adhering men. So often, I find, what makes us unique, what could be labeled valuable, rare and special is also what culture condemns, restricts, vilifies and shames. No wonder “mental health” is a struggle. Who is truly set up to succeed and thrive in a capitalist colony?
My great grandfather, who ended his own life when my mom was 12, was a white passing man of African and French/English descent whose own grandfather was a free black man who died in the civil war when his father was just 1 year old. I cannot imagine the trauma that my great grandfather lived with, what his father and his father endured. Who knows if they too also had to deal with brains like mine that are labeled as “disabled” and historically more often shamed for their challenges rather than lauded for their unique abilities. I know my mom’s suffering, and I know generational trauma well. I find it heartbreaking that many divergences of the mind, heart and soul are labeled “mental illnesses” when some perhaps are just differences. But I cannot deny that yes, there are mental illnesses, though some are mislabeled. How easy is it to piece apart the root of a mental illness coming from within vs being a product of how the world at large torments an individual? Some internal struggles, challenges and disabilities are triggered by traumatic events. Some are simply sourced from genetics. Some are a mixture of the two and perhaps even more. So few of us are not impacted by mental illness and/or mental and emotional struggles in some way. Existence as a human is complicated. And for any who suffer, I ache and wish to offer soothing.
If you or anyone you know is facing the challenge of wanting to be here, please know, you and/or they have my love, empathy, and understanding and I will NEVER cast shame against someone in pain. I will honor. And in my honoring of a friend now departed from earth, I’ve written a poem.
For resources on suicide, please scroll to the end of this newsletter.
maybe your roots where always beyond the veil we don't grow up we grow down, most do, not you roots unfurl and wind in and out but you float up and up they said you were dying for years no you were always tethered to the beyond not here not a ghost of yourself you've already been before too much awareness to live a lie too much seeing to stay to much feeling to tread with false trust beyond what can be studied seeking sense in what is senseless is waste you felt, now free no pill could bring you down this is knowing untethered an untethered soul a mind that is already in the beyond what does not make sense is right in it's wrong may you feel free from seeking existence in the eternal knowning no letters to send, just signs you've found not an end, the expanse you are released by your own freeing feel no shame, life is yours to take. claimed by the stars unfurled and ever growing, now you can, you are I saw you smiling at the show felt your soul somewhere above the crowd we sat on a hill and you flowed through the sound reverb and echo you live on waves on sound feeling still immersed in what made sense airwaves where wonder grows and unknowing is all that's known I always felt where you were and there you are still we grapple, and you remain I spoke to you with brutal truths that made you smile, knowing I understood your eyes opened, the gloss you felt seen and I said you have permission, it's not mine to grant it's yours acceptance in an ending to the ticking clock, a rhythm that grates out of sync with your own flow. how human it is to fight death you felt it's closeness and others pulled your strings down not now, they said, not now not this don't do it don't go holding tight and tired still, life lines and tethers like a cloud, floating still you stayed rain on occasion dissipation, energy's release your clouds shift shift you shall continue I made the agreement to stay 18 and afraid untethered too an air sign, a water sign, I too find myself in clouds half of me on the eternal plane I feel you there, a settling that is destined for all for you, sooner and outside the beat pounded inside followers of land to the sky you are pulled I feel it too but my roots remain. I am drawn to wanderers of what's beyond and so I shared and held the line extended a hand but did not pull I know the atmospheric pressure change a shift that sends you spinning swept away it's ok it's ok you ascension met time and exited. what use are dreams when you know your destiny sanity only speaks truth on the beat poetry plays with syncopation so play! fuck a predictable narrative crack lightning when least expected rumble your thunder out of sync with the projected what's reckless is reality you are what embodies brave out of alignment with systems that don't serve it makes sense. treading here burned, streams of tears needed to fuel any soothing you're far from fire now waters yours to keep existence without searching you are forever found no walls dim hallways dashed away there are differences in darknesses this one holds you no space is wasted awareness expanded can you see what you could not before now that the lights are out? the sky is sparkling and you are in it now and forever amen ill stay here with the bugs and worms the centipedes feet tickling my toes and tapping their time tip tap tip tap tip tap tip tap I'll feel you in the expanse
Resources for suicide
whether you struggle or someone you know does, all deserve support
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
I have participated in their overnight walk and can say it was one of the most restorative, comforting, healing and empowering experiences to talk with and walk alongside so many survivors and folks love people who have ended their own lives. Community is powerful.Survivors Day 2023 video created by AFSP has been helpful for me. Live panel of people who lost someone to suicide and a helpful film of survivor stories.
“Life ends, but love is eternal.” – David Kessler grief expert. His website features various resources, education and support groups.
Untangle - an app for grief, uses group forums and journals prompts. It has a section just for grief around suicide loss.
deathbysuicideawarecare.com - resources for folks who have lost a loved one to suicide.
The Portland Grief House - tons of resources for those grieving
WA 24-Hour Crisis Line. The 24-Hour Crisis Line provides immediate help to individuals, families, and friends of people in emotional crisis. They can help you determine if you or your loved one needs professional consultation and can link you to the appropriate services.
206-461-3222 - King County Crisis Line.
1-800-576-7764 - Pierce County.
1-800-626-8137 - Southwest Washington.
1-800-852-2923 - North Central Washington.711 - Telecommunications Relay Services permit persons with a hearing or speech disability to use the telephone system via a text telephone (TTY) or other device to call persons with or without such disabilities. To make using TRS as simple as possible, you can simply dial 711 to be automatically connected to a TRS operator.
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish.
Did you know, there are death doulas? Yes, there are kind souls whose work is to support those experiencing terminal illness and/or those who have experienced the death of a loved one. you are allowed and deserve this sort of support.
Find a death doula to help you in your grieving process.
Thank you to my friend Ashley Coleman who is a death doula and end of line planner in Portland, OR, for helping me to to compile this list of resources. Your work is so important and appreciated.
I am so sorry for your loss. This is quite a powerful line in your poem, "you ascension met time and exited". <3