The rain has finally come to Seattle after the air has been thick with smoke for days on end. Did you see that we hit 245 on the Air Quality Index (AQI) at 11 a.m. Thursday? For reference, 0-50 is good, and 200 is very unhealthy. 300 is Hazardous. Seattle had the worst air quality in the world yesterday. My climate crisis induced anxiety has been high this week. Sometimes being truly present is truly frightening. The fear of what the world will be like in 20+ years has a made a permanent and ever expanding home in my mind. And when anxiety is jamming loud on the drums in that house of my mind, it’s time for a self soothing list making sesh’.
Today, the pumpkin spice basic bitch that lives deep within me has risen to the occasion of the first rainfall. Hooray for Fall! Currently lighting the crackling wood wicked Rose + Cedar candle I bought from Target. Little comforts like these make me feel vulnerable in the strangest way, like I’m lighting the wick of a softer self that has stiffened from fear of other people’s judgement. Summer makes me feel exposed. What is it about Fall and it’s rituals finally hitting that makes me feel like I’m a little safer to be tender? No matter how hard we strive to mature, upgrade and become more adult, the rawest roots of our being still live within us. Fall is a permission giver; be vulnerable. Every year, summer feels like hyper drive. Living in the ever soggy PNW means that we don’t get the delicious endorphin rush of sunshine and heat until after 4th of July. We pack our belated summers with activities in urgency. And in that heightened emotional state of “savor what you can get” we also get its partner “oh fuck, climate change is so real. It wasn’t like this 10 years ago.” What a roller coaster.
Wash me in this rain. I’m ready to step back on soggy earth, to smell the magic of moistened bark, to watch my dog’s paws become coated in mud on our walks through the park. I know one day of rain does not negate the fact that the world’s climate is pretty fucked. But my mental state thanks this break and the inevitable cloud cover to come. We live in a world haunted with fear and worry. Anxiety increased from 5.12% in 2008 to 6.68% in 2018 among adult Americans, and most significantly in adults aged 18-25, a jump from 7.97% to 14.66%. Young people are wise, they are aware, they are so conscious to the world’s problems. And I wish they had the opportunity to be as naive as I once was, an extended youth initiated by Boomers. I’m pretty solidly a millennial. I am so inspired by and admire Gen Z in their consciousness and urge to challenge the status quo. I’m envious of the privileges that boomers hold, while also recognizing that my rebellious ‘tude still holds more privilege than those younger than me. My own internal battles of living between these generations make me hunger for retreat and also hungry to create and share resources for self soothing. Every generation needs support. Waking up to the world outside and within oneself is scary, and I want to give you a comforting place to sit while you observe it all.
The 52 Lists Project
List #42: List the Things that Make You Feel Peaceful
The crackle of a fireplace (that candle I mentioned is a cheap way to get the crackle sound without having to buy a home with a fireplace.)
A tidy home
A tidy desk with lots of crafts and projects organized and ready to be tackled again.
That post-sex feel
Candles burning with scents I love
Nighttime
List making
Seeing money I worked hard to earn in my bank account
Wearing something that makes me feel secure in my body
Music that suits my mood
Filling food that I can eat easily with my fucking braces
A solid laugh fest with my sisters
Stimming and other tools I use to manage my Autism, stress, anxiety, and PTSD
Fall
Cozy warm creamy drinks
British tv shows
Swimming in the ocean
Spending time with friends
A glass of wine with dinner
Sticking with a daily routine
Trusting in the love of my partner
Being in nature, hikes + camping
Singing and playing guitar
After writing this list, I feel tender. I feel vulnerable in a way that I haven’t felt in awhile. I feel safe and open at once. This is peace. I used to have predatory people tell me all the time that I was very vulnerable, that I was raw, that I was too open, sensitive, etc. In the last 2/3 years, I’ve learned many ways to protect myself and to add layers to my fragile skin. I’ve become tough and assertive in a way that I couldn’t understand for the majority of my life. I used to have people compare me to Taylor Swift, saying that we had similar energy, and I took that as an insult. I didn’t want to be seen as naive, sweet, hyper femme and vulnerable. I fought that comparison, especially being that I was a pretty intense Emo/Punk teen. And now, here I am, listening to Taylor Swift’s newest album, the only time I’ve ever listened to her by choice and I like it. I feel comforted. I feel centered. I feel at peace, and maybe even at peace finally with being told we had similar energy in the past.
I made you a playlist. For a minute, I was able to visualize the smoke as a soft covering, a safety shield for me to explore my own softness. The rain is a welcomed new form of softening; fluid movement that wraps you up and protects you in whatever warm pocket you find yourself in.
This week’s take action:
Challenge yourself to take a few hours or a whole day away from technology to instead do something by yourself that makes you feel calm and at peace. Come back and write about everything that you felt and experienced.
If you take this challenge and leave a comment on this newsletter with a reflection of your time away from technology, I’ll enter you in a giveaway to win a few copies of my 52 Lists journals for you and those you love. Be sure to leave a comment by Thursday October 27th. I’ll announce the winner in the next newsletter!
Ps, I also designed you a cute lil Fall to-do list. You’re welcome. Go steal it from Pinterest or screencap it here, save it and use it.
I really enjoyed this summer weather but i remember when we had that brief rainy day in the midst of it toward the last part of August and i heard the raindrops from my bedroom and ran outside to welcome its soft kissing drops on my skin. It was Bliss. Theres just something about the pnw rain that feels like home. S L O W down it whispers. So i feel much the same as you do when fall arrives. Samhain makes herself known and all our places inside feel safer to show up. Maybe its the extra layers we have to put on to stay warm that makes us feel free to be more vulnerable🖤 Your list speaks to me and i can relate. Thank you for the Playlist share! Looking forward to listening to that✨️
Oh my goodness, I love this playlist! I'm just up north, near Vancouver, and this is the first time in 10 years of living here, that I've been ready for the rain...I had a solid 2 beautiful weeks in September here, and then 2 lovely Fall weeks in the US (visited the midwest, my hometown, to see family) and I fully absorbed it. Fall is my favorite season, by far, and the rain today (the first in ...months?) was very welcome. This playlist suits the mood!