I was raised to be the perfect mother...
And instead, I'm a queer neurodivergent Auntie forever trying to learn to prioritize self preservation over care giving.
I’ve found myself crying at my desk too often this summer. And now, as Autumn turns the leaves to golds and reds, my eyes are also stained red with tears. I’m constantly reminded throughout my day that I was raised to sacrifice my needs for anyone who cries for help (whether they need it or not). I take everyone’s words and whines and barks seriously, and I still haven’t unlearned that at age 37. The trigger for my current self awareness is found in the puppy my partner and I rescued this summer. It felt like the right thing to do. Someone I love cried out for help, asking for someone to protect this dog. I heeded the call and encouraged my partner that maybe this was the answer to her own yearning for a little pit bull puppy. We both got curious, excited and leaned into impulsive, reactive habits we have both sought to unlearn, and drove to California and back for 24 hours over the course of 3 days. All to save a puppy. It felt worth it. I still believe it’s worth the challenge we have taken on. But it was too fast in too chaotic of a season. Look, our puppy is a treasure and also a tyrant. Hence, I’ve devolved into many types of tears this summer.
I held too much hope that a hard situation could become one of restoration, a concept I have tricked myself into believing far too many times. My hope sometimes can be too big, and I’ll blame that one on the combo of being Autistic and raised in a strict Christian household with two perfectionist parents. I was indoctrinated to believe that suffering makes me a better person. Gross. I have a melancholy dad who believes he became a priest begrudgingly because of deals with God. He raised me to mimic him, and I did, and I still do, but I stop as soon as I see it happening. Religion made him believe that being a rescuer was his duty. And I believed the same for the majority of my life, thinking I wasn’t worthy of love from any person, let alone a higher being, unless I proved myself and over-gave. Turns out, no amount of proving was enough to make me believe I was lovable until I first sought to love myself on my own. And having a therapist teach me about the Drama Triangle by Steven Karpman, at around 30 years old helped me to see that YIKES I don’t need to be a rescuer to be loved. It’s conditional to only receive love when you are seeking to aid someone’s call. Unconditional love lives outside of the drama triangle.
Have you seen this diagram before? We all bounce around and play each of these roles from time to time. In my family, I was encouraged to be a rescuer, allowed to be a victim in private, and absolutely not allowed to be a persecutor. We were allowed to be sad and hold our emotions in, letting them settle, stew and rot in our gut (plz refer to my dead pan face in the photo above.) But ejecting them outwards was not allowed. I’m grateful I learned to become more assertive later in life, but as a younger person, I thought even being assertive is aggressive and mean. Fact: it’s not, it’s good. Most often, we are trained by our families or environments to play a particular role on the drama triangle and to condemn another. But the truth is, we shouldn’t be playing any of these roles, period. The only way to not be on the drama triangle is to get off the drama triangle!
Don’t engage when someone is trying to be a rescuer, victim or persecutor. I know, it’s hard. I fail to disengage often, especially when someone playing the persecutor role comes at me with bullying words. But with time and practice, it gets easier, as does your LIFE. There will always been opportunities presented in our lives to jump back on the drama triangle (did I expect a puppy to pull me back into rescuer mode? Nope, but aha, at least I see it now.) You’re the only one who can regulate you, and I’m the only one who can regulate me. But damn, do I also still have to remember that truth from time to time!
Did you grow up in an overly controlled environment? Whew, I did…
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