I had oral surgery on Monday, which also meant I had to work myself down from having a panic attack that morning. I’ve been anxious. I don’t know if I’ve shared with you yet that I am autistic, but yeah, it was just 2 years ago that I finally got the answer as to why I am the way that I am and have the specific challenges I wrestle with daily. I’d be happy to share more about what it was like getting diagnosed with Autism as an adult in another email. But today, let’s chat about the annoyance of adult braces. Ooh baby, they are extra rough for someone with sensory processing disorder, a common bestie to autism. On Monday, my docs extracted the lone baby tooth that still remained in my mouth and exposed the big tooth hidden in my gums (the whole reason why I have braces in the first place.) They then attached a gold chain to the big tooth and to my braces so that my orthodontist can slowly crank the chain to move my tooth into place over the course of a year to a year and a half. If you’re curious, I’m documenting the process on Instagram. Why a gold chain? You know, for glamour. Or probably because of the flexibility of that particular metal. Maybe. Who knows.
If you’re not anxious about one thing, there will always be something else to fixate on. Especially if you are neurodivergent. Right now, my main fixations are the spiky metal attached to my teeth and the hole where my baby tooth (good riddance) once lived, the weird lump in the roof of my mouth covered by some weird plastic covering, how all I can eat right now is sludge, and I just want my braces journey to be over so I can eat stuff I love again. I’m anxious about the mold in my plants, climate crisis, wondering if my girlfriend and I will find a home that works for both of us in the next 4 months (there’s actually no rush, I’m just feeling stressed in general.) I’m realizing I still have so much I need to downsize of my own, oh god, and the stuff still sitting in storage from my store that I closed 2 years ago. Things, stuff, stuff things, stress, anxiety, neurotic spirals and more. Isn’t smoothing sailing supposed to be the vibe right now? Mercury in retrograde just ended, man.
This week has got me in a bit of a head spiral, so it’s time to sit down, put on some calming background music, light a candle, and get my feels and thoughts out in list form.
Feel free to download this list making / journaling sheet to use alongside me as I share my weekly lists.
52 Lists for Happiness
List 40: List the things that felt important five or ten years ago but are unimportant now.
My list:
Creating a name for myself in business. I was trying so hard to prove my childhood and teenage bullies wrong, that I could be something. What I know now is that there is nothing to prove, we are all inherently valuable.
Keeping a marriage together that wasn’t working. I loved my ex-husband, but once we married after 5 years of dating, it became brutally apparent that our lives were headed in two different directions. Sometimes ending something is more valuable for everyones wellbeing that “trying hard no matter what” to keep it going. I’m proud of us for ending it. And I value him as a friend.
Making my family proud by building a biz with my name on it. In my family, I wasn’t the social/cute/fun one, I was the creative/anti-social/strong willed one. The undiagnosed autistic one. So I thought, to make my family proud, I HAD to work hard past the point of what is healthy. Hustle culture. It’s a gift now to understand, they love me and accept me, understand me as I am.
Pursuing building an “Empire.” YUCK. I was an easy candidate for the toxic narrative of the Girl Boss of the mid 2010s. I wanted power for good, believed I could build a career that could help others and share resources. My intentions were naive and hopeful, containing a lot of leftovers from the Christian culture I was raised in and massively lacking in self awareness. Empires are a hard no. A hunger for power is dangerous as hell, even if rooted in altruistic thinking. Good riddance to the Girl Boss story.
Wanting to be like Ellen, Oprah, and Mary-Kate + Ashley Olsen. Ten years ago I aspired to give resources to others in a dramatic way like Oprah, I wanted to embody a charming personality and humor like Ellen and amplify uplifting stories like she did, and I wanted to pursue fashion and design like Mary-Kate and Ashley. Again, there’s a pattern in my list: Massive idealism. There’s a great saying, “Burn Your Idols.” It’s one I loved as a punk leaning indie kid in the 2000s but I seemed to forget it when I let myself get consumed by popular culture in the 2010s. Burn Your Idols: As soon as you feel yourself placing someone on a pedestal in admiration, take them off quick! Don’t forget everyone is human, big names often perform falsities and do problematic things. Stay critical. No one is perfect.
Getting married. For some it’s a dream, a life long goal. For me, I entered a marriage that wasn’t right for me at all. My hope clouded reality. It devastated me when a friend told me amidst my divorce that she knew at the wedding that it wouldn’t last. And now, I am very much in love with my girlfriend and hope to be with her till I’m old AND I have far more realistic expectations. Marriage is not the goal. If it ever happens, you can bet it’s because of practical needs. The romance is in the everyday.
Doing whatever my abusive ex business partner told me to do. Sigh, autism makes me a pretty gullible person when it comes to areas where I lack interest. I expect others to be truthful and want to take people at their word. But some people have hidden agendas and are damn good liars. He was a master manipulator. He knew how to tear me down and make me feel so small and stupid. He knew how to beat me up emotionally to the point where all I could do was say ok and do whatever he said. I’ve worked through the shame, I’m proud of getting the courage to find a lawyer to protect me from him. But I’ll forever regret starting a business with him and I’m forever grateful those years are over.
Growing my social media following. I used to find so much fun in exploring new social media platforms, there was raw joy back in the early days of Myspace, Pinterest and Instagram. But once it became all about manipulating algorithms and performing a personality that isn’t your own just to gain followers. Fuck. No thanks. Naivety was such a good goddamn friend to me in the early days of blogging and Instagram. Building community, finding digital pals who become true IRL friends and sharing resources was and is so fun! But increasing your anxiety incessantly through performance culture is a quick road to burnout and self hate. It’s hard to be true in a culture that pushes you to market yourself incessantly, but it’s worth it. It’s ok to perform when it’s appropriate, but don’t lose sight of the authentic community around you.
Attending events to network. Shit, it’s a necessity in so many industries. It’s a necessity in most careers. I just give faaaaar less fucks that I once did.
Hiding behind fashion as a shield. I used to be obsessed with fashion from childhood to when I was the CEO of my own retail company. I was always well aware that fashion is a costume, that even the “laziest” dresser is telling a story about themselves to themselves, and projecting an image to others through what they wear. I used outrageous fashion for the majority of my life to distract from the insecurity and fear I felt on the inside. I was ok being bullied for the ridiculous outfits I would wearing as long as it distracted from the person that I was and am. From an early age, people told me I was gay which I took as a threat or an insult. Internalized homophobia and fear that I would be attacked for being gay in a rural home town prevented me from accepting a truth that others saw and I denied. As I’ve become comfortable in my identity, my fashion choices have subdued too. There is comfort in being true, strength in being honest with oneself, and maybe my style choices reflect that now. Maybe :)
Desperately seeking to be heard, seen, and trusted in my voice. Nothing like being a severely repressed queer person to make you feel desperate to be heard in any and every way other than the one thing you have yet to address and own. It’s scary as shit to finally come out, to own that you are gay. It feels trendy as of 2020 which blows my mind. But just being wholly and fully myself now, wow what a relief from the hunger to be seen. I see me and I have close community who I feel understood by. That is enough for me.
Doing things that grew my ego. Funny thing is, when you seek so hard to fuel your ego while hiding your fear, all that really happens is that fear grows alongside your fragile ego. Pop the bubble baby, let’s get real and vulnerable.
Searching for a root as to why I struggle mentally/emotionally in the ways that I do. HOORAY for an Autism diagnosis. It explains so much.
People pleasing to the point of physical illness. Guys, I was SICK for most of my life, most especially from 2012-2019. Mystery rashes covering my body, severe dehydration that landed me in the hospital, pre-cancerous polyps in my intestines, it was bad and so often inflamed by stress and fear. I understand now, not everyone’s going to like me. Some people will hate me. And it’s not my job to try and change that, I gotta keep loving me and caring for me.
Proving my value and worth to others. I’ve got nothing to prove, and neither do you.
Sacrificing anything to make sure others were happy. Facts are, you cannot make anyone happy. That’s not yours to control. It SUCKS. But you’re just going to make yourself a shittier, unhappier version of you while you try and boost others up. Start with caring for you before you care for others and don’t worry about the happy factor. Care is enough.
Take action: Visit futureme.org and write yourself an email about what you hope not to worry about in the future along with what you are proud of right now. You can set a date to receive it weeks, months, or years from now. It will be so relieving to read later, believe me.
Phew, I needed that.
I was feeling anxious and buzzing in my body when I sat down to write this email. Now that I’ve filled out list # 40 from 52 Lists for Happiness, I don’t just feel a massive relief from anxiety, I feel proud about how I answered, good about the honesty I see, grateful for wisdom gained, and happier. And I’d love to encourage you to do the same. How are you feeling right now? Maybe it’s time for a little release and reflection.
I thought this simple and clean downloadable sheet meant to be paired with this newsletter might be something nice for you to use. You can upload it to your iPad and use it there, post it in your Insta stories and write on it that way, or print it out and write on it with a real life pen or pencil. Wild idea :) Would you like more free downloads? It’s fun designing them and I’d love to hear what sort of goodies you’d enjoy using! Leave a comment with ideas for free downloads and I’ll deliver. <3
thank you for this wonderful email full of realness once again - reminding us all that being earnest is just one step into being our true selfs. :)