To quote Avril Lavigne, “Why d’ya have to go and make things so complicated?” That’s also something I say to my brain a little too often. It’s not the most productive or soothing response to an overactive brain dealing with Autism, ADHD, Depression, Anxiety and PTSD. I’m sure you probably deal with a little self criticism from time to time too. Have you ever heard of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT? You’ve probably heard of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). Let me break down the differences between them all:
CBT: The most commonly practiced form of therapy is CBT, or “talk therapy.” The main goal is to help change certain patterns of thought which will in turn lead to self lead behavioral change. Source.
DBT: This therapy focuses directly on behavior changes. It was first created to treat Borderline Personality Disorder but many practitioners have found it helps with a variety of disorders such as PTSD. DBT focuses on enhancing client motivation to make positive changes and increase self-management and emotional regulation skills. It majorly focuses on skills training and behavioral change strategies in one on one and group settings. Source.
ACT takes a very different approach with acceptance being the main goal rather than seeking changes or even changing mindsets. Sometimes the right changes happen after you’ve already accepted where you are at currently. ACT is a mindfulness-based behavioral therapy only recently created and used in psychotherapy practices. Its core focuses are defusion, acceptance, contact with the present moment, the observing self, values, and committed action. Source.
ACT is my personal fave form of therapy.
I‘ve been dealing with a heavy dose of anxiety and some PTSD triggers this week, and remembering the power of accepting where I am at has lead me to make this graphic below.
Just looking at this art makes me feel more at peace with where I am at. And when that peace in the present moment seeps in deep, when I can feel unconscious acceptance starting to move through my body, the experience of depression lifts. Art is one of my healers. Being present in creating, flowing through the moment and letting color, form and design direct my attention helps relieve my busy and talkative mind.
Let’s take a moment to also talk about PTSD. I’m currently in the middle of a PTSD flare thanks to an abusive person from recent years past reaching out to me. On one hand, I don’t want to mention it here. I’m tired of being IN the sensory experience of PTSD. The tightness in my chest, the foggy brain, the memory loss, the apathy and lethargy, the avoidance, the fear, the whole gang that gets together and bounces garbage ideas off of each other like a pink pong table of trauma. Ooh, I would love to just hide from it all but things don’t work that way. And also, my goal is to send out this newsletter today despite whatever anxiety arousal my body and mind are battling. So here I am, getting vulnerable and hoping my honesty in writing about trauma and the leech like grip it can have on me also gives you some validation in whatever anxiety, stress or fear you carry with you. Read this for a more clinical definition of PTSD and its symptoms.
In these moments when past trauma feels so visceral, so present, it is hard to believe any of the efforts I made in the past to heal were worth anything. Mmm, black and white thinking, a tell tale sign of being in an emotionally heightened state. One second I feel secure, breathing with ease, and focused on my tasks at hand. And then *PING* something reminds me of the past, like a phone notification set to remind me of a bunch of shit that I thought I was over. It sends my body reeling, I’m Alice in Wonderland falling down the rabbit hole of increasing sensations that remind me of past pains. I’m honestly so sick of writing about trauma. I’m tired of my identity feeling steeped in processing pain. I tried creating a persona of success and achievement in the past and sure, it was a good mask for grief at times. But trauma sticks to your bones, and if you don’t face it, it’ll just cling and nag at you until you finally give it some air time.
In addition to therapy and talking with friends in safe community, sometimes to face, process and move through trauma, you first just need to accept, yep, it’s still here. Ok FINE myself, I hear you. I had a really rough day yesterday, lots of hermitting and feeling teary, start-stopping and fully avoiding important projects and work while I worried about whether my abuser was nearby. (He emailed me a few days ago and said he would be in town for a day or two and that he’d like to meet up. I did not respond.) I’m proud of the efforts I took today to make it a better one than yesterday. I hosted friends for a co-working sesh. I’ve got a huge living room/dining area in my apartment that I’ve managed to fit in a big dining table and 3 desk without making the space feel cluttered. I love hosting and it brings me immense comfort feeling like I can provide space for people. I made everyone cinnamon rolls. I designed a bunch of cool art! And then it was time for therapy…
I talked to my therapist about how I felt yesterday and then I immediately felt like I did yesterday. Overwhelmed, scared, anxious, like my lungs were being constricted. My therapist said, “It sounds like you’re still dealing with post traumatic stress symptoms because of everything that happened with him.” Yes, I cried, yes, and I am SO sick of it. I just want grief to move on from me. I want to be fully focused on the joy of the present, not the grief, the loss, the fear I experienced in what now feels like a past life. I’m angry, I’m really angry that the abuse from another person still lives within me and controls my first reactions to certain stimulus. I’m mad I lost a family member I loved because of the unsafe behavior that they perform. I’ll move on to other forms of grieving again soon, I’m sure, and I hope. Living life is like a circle jerk of immersive therapy. You can accept it and keep on going or you can push against it, only prolonging the path to healing, the big cyclical journey that we are all destined for.
So in this moment, I will accept it all, again as I’ll likely need to do again the next time he *PINGS* onto my phone or into my email inbox. I accept that healing is not linear. I accept that I can’t just move on from years worth of trauma quickly. I accept that I deal with PTSD and trust the sensations I feel right now are not forever. Nothing is permanent and soothing activities help pass the time. Writing what I’ve written thus far has brought me to a more centered state. There is pride found in flowing through an emotionally heightened state with some tears and some grace given to yourself. I trust my mind will rest easier tonight knowing that I didn’t avoid my grief.
I’m more moved to action after I have gotten solid rest. But getting solid rest can feel so elusive. Our brains can buzz with excitement from joy or anxiety rooted in what has yet to be completed or past pains. Can you think of one thing that gives your brain a rest and helps you just exist in the moment, despite whatever nags at you? For some people, I feel like washing dishes is mega soothing. I love doing other people’s dishes, my own though, not so much. For me, making visual art is my go to and making lists + journaling are big brain helpers too. I want to encourage you to explore and discover things that help you be present in the moment too. Maybe this quote below will inspire you:
After a week of big anxiety, 52 Lists for Calm was the journal I ran to for list making this time around. As I type right now, the sun is setting, the night sky is starting to show its shimmery dark blue outfit (looking gorgeous, by the way.) And an added layer of acceptance is moving over me. When the night arrives, I feel like time stops and the pressure to get things done by X time is removed. Most people’s workdays are done and I feel a sense of relief that my work day is decided by me. My work IS processing trauma and being open and honest with you in hopes that you find your way through it too. Let’s get to a list, shall we? And take it at your own pace.
52 Lists for Calm
List #43. List the things in your life that you would like to simplify.
My list:
How my finances function
- savings
- long term + mid term goals
- payments to ex-biz partners
- subscriptionsMeals
- meal prep
- cooking process
- storage in my cabinets + fridgeClothing
- laundry process
- what’s in my closetThe STUFF sitting in storage from my old store. I want it gone.
The STUFF sitting in storage from my past life.
The STUFF sitting in storage thats in my apt - get rid of unnecessary crap!
Emails + Social Media
- communication on all platforms
- routines and time spent on each
- remove a bunch of apps from my phone
- unsubscribe from emails + blockMy MINDSET
- rely more on my planner and less on internal management of tasks
Take action: Choose one thing on your list and declutter during the week ahead.
I think it’s time for me to face the stuff, the STUFF in storage, starting with the stuff in a storage unit that it just sucking money and doing a whole lot of nothing. I trust I am capable. When I’m feeling anxious, I can definitely become avoidant and all of these things can be accepted as truth all at once. I can be anxious, and avoidant and STILL capable. Acknowledging it all gives you the opportunity to move towards being capable and following through with efforts without having to shame the anxiety or avoidant behavior. So what, you get scared, thats normal. keep going. And here’s another cute piece of art to confirm that you can do this, whatever little task of big daunting thing you are dealing with currently.
I havent started simplifying my space yet but I DID design a tracking tool to help you stay simplified throughout your month. I also designed a daily personal planner page because its really fun to spice up your planner tools, don’t you think so too? :) If you sign up for a monthly paid subscription (Just $5 a month) I’ll send you a PDF of all of the art above AND the two sheets below that you can use on your ipad or print out on an 8 1/2 x 11” piece of paper!
Once you’ve signed up for a $5 a month paid subscription, email me at moorea@mooreaseal.com and I’ll send you a PDF of all of the art + monthly task tracker + daily personal planner!
MONTHLY TASKS TRACKER
Sign up to be a paid monthly subscriber and gain access to downloads like these!
Thank you as always, for supporting my newsletter, for engaging however feels comfy to you, and for supporting my creative work from designing products and creating visual art to writing and creating guided journals for mental health support. I appreciate you!
https://anjuanand.substack.com/p/42-days-to-the-new-year-42-days-to